Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?
Always these sex questions… just keep reminding me that nothing is happening on this end of things.

Are you gay?
Nope.

Do you have hairy legs?
Sure. When I don’t shave them, that is.

Do you smoke anything?
Cigarettes and sheesha. Anything else you had in mind?

Do you like monkeys?
Not especially. I don’t dislike them either. They’re neutral. Like Switzerland.

How many fillings do you have?
Four… Oh my poor, poor teeth.

Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
A lake. Saltwater is not my favourite water.

Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Who hasn’t? I tried it once, saw that you actually get a hit and then never needed to do it again. Some things, you just have to experience.

Have you ever read the Bible?
No. I started once, but somewhere in Genesis when it’s all “and he got this son and he got this son and he got this son”, I gave up.

Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Nope.

Do you wear a lot of black?
I like my shirts to be colourful but my pants and skirts usually are black.

Did you ever bring a weapon to school?
No? This question is scaring me a little.

Have you ever hugged a tree?
Ah, unreciprocated love…

Do you know what a sphincter actually is?
I have to admit I checked the dictionary just to make sure, but yes, I know.

Describe your hair?
Blondish-brown (more brown than blond), longer than usual and in dire need of a cut.

Are you a wildbeast?
Depends on the definition of that.

Do you like to have fun?
No, I hate fun. Fun sucks. Fuck Fun. Who wants to have fun?

Do you like drama?
As in theater? Yes. As in personal? No fucking way.

Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Well, I do own a sheesha, which is a waterpipe, as is a bong. But as bongs usually refer to illegal substances, I prefer not to answer that question without my lawyer present.

Do you like mayonnaise?
Sometimes. Like, once a month in one sandwich. I’m more the ketchup fan.

Are you afraid to die?
Nah, it’s the not living anymore that scares me.

Do you like playing in leaves?
Haven’t done that in ages, can’t really say.

Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
No.

Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
No.

Are you an adult?
Yes. Or at least that’s what most people believe.

Ever won a spelling bee?
No spelling bees in Austria.

Do you ever eat because you’re depressed?
I just had to correct the grammar in this question. Where’s my chocolate?

Are you a television addict?
No, I can watch all the shows I want on my computer as well. It doesn’t need to be the TV.

Do you think OJ was guilty?
I don’t know. I really don’t know that much about the whole thing.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Yes, I really like her. But it shouldn’t be too much at once – usually four days is the most I can stand until I wish that I was in my own flat, alone. But that’s true not only for spending time with my mother, but basically for everyone.
[I’m a fucking misanthrop.]

Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?
No. I’ve only ever been in public hot tubs and no, really not interested to have sex there.

On a swing?
No. That’s interesting, though.

Do you like Elvis?
Yeah.

Do you enjoy watching animals do it on the Discovery channel?
What? If you want to know whether animal sex excites me – no. If you want to know whether I watch the Discovery Channel – no.

Ever been hit on at a zoo?
As I haven’t been to the zoo in about 15 years, gee, I hope not.

Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?
Depends on your definition of total stranger, I guess.

Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?
I guess not, since I never noticed it before.

Does your mom think someone is hot?
Sure thing. We also have a freakishly similar taste in men. The two men we can’t agree on: She really thinks George Clooney is hot (I can see the pretty, but he doesn’t do anything for me) and she doesn’t like Christian Bale (how’s that possible? beats me).

Are you a sugar freak?
I like sugar. Does that make me a freak?

Ever been arrested?
Nope. But I once had to go to a police station in the middle of the night to get my brother’s friend out of the drunk tank.

Ever commit a crime and get away with it?
Actually, yes. I once left a bar without paying. I can talk about it now freely, as it’s barred. ;)

Do you like orange juice?
Sure.

What sign are you?
Who cares? Aries.

Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?
If I only knew what the party boy dance was, I’d probably do it in front of the elderly.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Lying in a hammock in the sun, reading a good book and slowly getting a tan, chasing away the ridiculous whiteness that is my skin.

Did you enjoy this?
I’ve had better. But I’ve also had worse.