Conan the Barbarian
Director: Marcus Nispel
Writer: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, Sean Hood
Based on: Robert E. Howard‘s character
Cast: Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols

Plot:
Corin (Ron Perlman) is the leader of a tribe of warriors who some way back defeated sorceres who had made a mask of considerable dark power. They broke the mask in several pieces and hid them around the world. But now Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) is hunting the pieces – and his last station is Corin. He pretty much destroys Corin’s village, and then tortures Corin and his son Conan (Leo Howard). Khalar Zym completes the mask, Corin dies and Conan barely escapes.
20 years later Conan (Jason Momoa) is a bandit fighting for a good cause, but always looking for revenge on Khalar Zym and his crazy-ass daughter Marique (Rose McGowan). He gets his chance when he stumbles upon Tamara (Rachel Nichols), the last of a blood-line needed to complete the rituals to activate the mask’s power.

I expected this movie to be bad, but I honestly did not expect the level of crappiness that it achieved. It is kind of a staggering achievement to make a movie this bad.

I haven’t seen the original Conan movie but I can’t imagine how it could have worked at all without Jason Momoa and his hotness. Because holy crap, he even can address Tamara with “Woman” and it’s still kinda sexy. [I know. It is sad.] Which makes it doubly bad that the sex scene was the worst in the history of movies. At times you couldn’t even say which body you were seeing rolling around on the straw. [Which had deadra saying: “Why is there straw?” which had me in stitches.*]

But that is of course not the movie’s biggest problem. I have rarely seen writing this bad. The dialogues, the plot’s logic, the dialogues… it is amazing.

About 5 minutes in I decided that this movie desperately needed a blog-along. I promise to deliver this as soon as I can watch the movie at home. Because there is so much to say about this pile of crap that I really have to do it blow-by-blow.

And I’m willing to do that as long as I can regulate he volume of the film myself, because it is really, really loud. Though it does have its lengths, it is mostly entertaining.

Summarising: Expect to hear more about this film from me. But don’t expect that this movie gets any better.

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*For those of you not versed in references to German porn movies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6loaOmF5Ak

The dialogue translates to:

She: “That’s the junction box that always causes problems. If you could take a look at that?”
He: “Yeah, sure. But why is there straw here?”
She: “And why are you wearing a mask?”
He: “Oh well. Give me a blow job.”