Alice – Dancing Time and Space is a novel by Ernest Kinnie.

Plot:
Alice is an orphan with a gift: she has a pair of “invisible hands” with which she can move objects, also through solid matter and with which she can generally “twist” time and space. When she turns 18, she is approached by a group of twisters who invite her to join them – and her life is never the same again.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that made me think “for fuck’s sake” as much as this book. It is not only poorly written, but continuously moves into offensive territory. The first time it made me not want to read it anymore was about 3 pages in – but somehow, I just couldn’t stop. There were so many points where I thought, “no, that’s it. That little piece of sexism/rape apology rhetoric/stupidity is the straw to break the camel’s back. I’ll just close the doc and that will be it.” And when I came to the next point where I thought just that, I somehow had moved 10 pages on. And then it was just over, without a real ending.

Fair warning: this review is very quote-heavy. Because, well, for crying out loud, that’s because. I need to share that. Also, I want to show you exactly what it’s like reading this book.

While I was reading this book – which is written from Alice’s point of view – I thought, “this reads like an old guy wrote this, thinking he was writing about how a sexually liberated young girl would see the world but in fact just fantasizing about how he would like her to see it. Also, he probably has an interest in psychology but doesn’t really seem to have a firm grasp on the field.” And you know what, turns out that Ernest Kinnie is a retired psychologist. Which just makes me wonder if he really never understood psychology, despite having studied it, or if he just failed so completely to show his competence in his writing.

Because here’s the first time I thought “no more”: Alice was invited by the group of twisters to join them. And when I say invited, I mean that they tell her she has to join or they’ll kill her. She goes to their meeting, they threaten her further and suddenly hug her and then tell her that she’s very welcome and was never actually threatened. [Comments in brackets are my own.]

“I’m very confused. [As are we all, honey, as are we all.] Why all this elaborate buildup to my possible death, and now a warm welcome?  I am not familiar enough with people to puzzle out truly elaborate games. [I didn’t know this yet at this point but later-on every second paragraph is about Alice playing some kind of game with someone.] Thank you for your welcome, I have never had a better.  But, a part of me, in the back of my mind, wonders if you are still playing an elaborate game with me.  Sorry, but I do have a very healthy paranoid streak.”
Santa smiled.  He really has a very nice smile. “It’s a bonding ritual developed by Johnny, our psychologist.  The sudden shift from threat of death to warm acceptance and life is very powerful.  You are now a part of this group in a way that would ordinarily take months. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] You are free to accept us or not, as you wish. You are in no danger from us, either way.”
I couldn’t believe my sudden wave of warm feelings toward them. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] He was so right.  Johnny must be some psychologist. [That’s called Stockholm syndrome.]

(I should have quit there. But I found myself reading on and about 15 pages later:)

“That was the most profound experience of my life Maggie.  I found there are things I will not do, even if it means my life.  And Santa, I mean Greg, Johnny, Linda and Molly, your bonding ritual brought back my ability to love and care, and to let others love and care for me. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] The awful pain of my mother leaving me when I was 4 and never coming back pushed all that far, far away. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] Thank you.”

And apart from all the headdesking about the sheer denseness of these paragraphs, there was the sexism just thrown in casually all the time. To give you a few choice examples.

Santa made the call.  The Baptist will come this Friday at 7 PM, and will bring a woman with him.  That makes sense.  A woman will understand and move with me emotionally in ways that a man cannot. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

They all wore blue jeans and shirts, even the three women. [OH FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE!]

I opened my eyes and lazily watched as the world went by. Women can be anything they want here.  Moving past in a steady stream were sorority princesses at one end of the possibilities, to way out-of-date hippies with no makeup and bouncing nipples at the other.  I prefer minimal make-up, modest clothes, and a bra that fits well.  Maybe just a little jiggle, now and then to snap a guy’s head around. [Just so long as everything women do serves to excite men.]

I’ve heard of Astral Sex, the direct exchange of sexual energy.  But I suspect that’s just a come on to sell books, or to ease the seduction of innocent young boys by older women. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

But the sexism is not only against women, men get bashed a bit, too.

Arlene is pretty down.  Barry hasn’t called.  No point in reassuring her.  Most men are insensitive and stupid. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] They can’t help it, hormones control their lives [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] and any woman that doesn’t know that is in for a lot of trouble. But the hormones can easily be used against them, and smart women learn how early on. I hope Arlene knows how. Bottom line—If she was good in bed, he’ll call. [OH FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE!]

These bits, which made it absolutely clear that this was a guy writing, because, honestly, being looked over like a piece of meat or being mistaken for a whore is not flattery for any woman. [Granted, given Alice’ background, that includes abuse, her perception might differ but in that case, I would have liked to get at least a mention of a dissenting voice. Instead this is represented as eternal truth – women love catcalls.]

He looked me over though, so he’s at least alive.  No leer or anything, just what guys do. Some women say they don’t like it.  So, they’d rather have guys never look at them?  Sure! Sure!  Bunch of prissy hypocrites. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

A few guys made remarks as we went by, and whistled, but no more.  A couple of cars stopped and asked our price. What delicious flattery. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

And then the instances of rape apologist rhetoric, despite Alice killing a couple of rapists in the book, because it is obviously TEH WORSE. Nevertheless, she does things like that:

[She seduced him, just so you know that there really was no doubt about the consent in this scene.] He asked me to stay the night, but I said no. I felt guilty because I let him have me so soon. I was afraid he would think I was easy. Maybe even a slut. He very earnestly assured me that he would never think that. And, he was so sorry. He didn’t mean to take advantage of me, [he didn’t. You seduced him and making him think that he mistreated you is just assholish behaviour] but I was just so beautiful that he lost control. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! No woman is so beautiful that a man just has to lose control. To assume that is demeaning to men and is the perfect excuse for rapists.]

Also, Alice just goes ahead and sexually assaults a couple of women – but all in good sport. It’s fun when you do it with invisible hands to a couple of witchy Lesbians.

Two very serious women stood up and lifted their hands to the sky, and beseeched the Great God Apollo to descend upon the group.  God knows what these lesbians would do with Apollo if he did come down. I could see them calling down Aphrodite maybe, but Apollo? Whatever.  Wish I could materialize a big horny Apollo, and I mean BIG, and see what they would do, but sadly, I can’t do that.  But I can do the next best.
So, there they were, two women in the center of the room. Arms raised, eyes closed, beseeching Apollo to descend upon them.  I gave the clit of the one on the left a few soft squeezes with a couple of my invisible fingers.  Her eyes flew open, and she screamed.  Good heavens, she is certainly sensitive.  Wasn’t she trying to evoke Apollo? Well, she succeeded, for God’s sake! She looked around embarrassed, and apologized.
And the evocation of the Great God continued. This time I chose the one on the right, and began to tap her G spot.  Her hips began to jerk.  Her eyes opened and rolled back in her head. She screamed, called out his name twice, and fainted.  Apollo was pleased.

Or when it’s ghosts:

Oh! Oh!  A naked shadow running around in and out of the crowd hitting on girls.  Not much of an incubus though.  He could only run up behind them and jack-off against them for a second or two. They have no idea they are being shadow raped. [Which makes it funny I guess.] Just as well.  He’s scrawny and ugly. Probably only way he can get a little.  Sad little pervert. [Oh, the poor rapist, has to turn to assault because he doesn’t get any sex any other way.] Too bad I don’t know how to activate my shadow.  I’d have a lot of fun showing him what real rape is. [Do I need to say anything?]

Then a few anti-choice moments, thanks for that. That was missing in the whole thing.

“Can I give you a little advice? Go to a doctor and get a prescription [for the pill]. Please do. I got pregnant once and didn’t have the baby and I’ve regretted it ever since.”
“You had an abortion?”
“Yes. And don’t let them tell you it’s no big deal. [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!] It’s a very big deal. I know the name of a nice doctor nearby. Would you like the name and address?”

At least there’s no ranting against the pill. That is so progressive. Though there is this bit of fuckery:

When I got to Arlene’s Sunday night, she was in the kitchen looking tired and worried. Barry was shocked! [Arlene is pregnant.] Yes shocked! What did he think happened when a man and a woman get together? He needed time to think, poor dear. But just maybe, Arlene set Barry up. Told him she was on the pill. Ya, females do that to grab their guys. [I’m not saying this never happened. But seriously, people, “females do that”? OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

And to top it all off, there are moments of sheer stupidity.

“A student here at the University copied some sensitive material onto a flash drive. You know what a flash drive is?”
“Yes, you plug it into your computer to copy files back and forth.” [It’s 2011. Your book is from 2011. Everybody under the age of 50 and most people over know what a freaking flash drive is.]

Ok. I can go along with keeping the planet healthy.  “Greedy polluters” is just name calling by the greenies .  Yes. Yes. I know. I just called all of those selfless guardians of Mother Earth a name.  Sure, I’m a hypocrite.  Aren’t you? [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!]

“Yes! Yes! With the help of our Lord, we have conquered evil.  We have thrown back the Devil. The good is ever victor over evil.  Oh you good people.  Oh you good, decent people.  St. Francis sent us the courage and the love and the power to send the Devil back to Hell!
And the group burst out into a soul shaking Onward Christian Soldiers.  They really aren’t Christians, [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! How the hell else would you describe people who try to summon St. Francis to save the earth and exorcise the devil with prayers and then sing Christian hymns. Atheists?] but that great hymn was exactly right.

“Ok, Alice, I have had so much fun with our dancing around each other, but it’s time to stop dancing. I am CIA head of our Western Sector. I am also a twister and can do what you can do.  I know nothing about shadows, and at the moment I am desperate to know what you know. I won’t try to invoke patriotism because you are too cynical.  So, I’ll invoke self-interest. You may now be a target of whoever the two shadows represent, and the more I know the better I can help protect you.” [OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Who talks that way?]

And a wonderful thought. What will I find when I get to Paris, where humans have lived for thousands of years? Must be quite a shadow world there. [You know, in the USA, humans have lived for thousands of years as well. Just because they weren’t white, doesn’t mean they weren’t there.]

[After turning into St. Michael for a bit.]
I got my shield and flaming sword ready for action. I’m sure you are wondering, and yes, I am anatomically correct. [Actually, I wasn’t thinking that. AT ALL.]

I guess after all these quotes, you have a pretty clear picture of what that book is like, so I won’t say anything else anymore. Apart from OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!