The Legend of Hercules (2014)

The Legend of Hercules
Director: Renny Harlin
Writer: Sean Hood, Daniel Giat, Renny Harlin, Giulio Steve
Cast: Kellan Lutz, Gaia Weiss, Scott Adkins, Roxanne McKee, Liam Garrigan, Liam McIntyre, Luke Newberry

Plot:
Hercules (Kellan Lutz) doesn’t know that he is the son of Zeus, born to bring peace to the world. Called Alcides, his main preoccupation is that he is in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss), a princess promised to his brother Iphicles (Scott Adkins). When Hercules tries to run off with Hebe, he is caught and sent on a suicide mission in Egypt. But Hercules has vowed to return to Hebe and nothing will keep him from her.

This, unfortunately, is not the Dwayne Johnson-Hercules movie that I imagine to be infinitely better in every sense of the word. Because this film sucks so much, it isn’t even funny anymore. [Maybe it would have been if we had thought to bring alcohol. Rookie mistake.] Instead it’s thinly veiled Jesus movie.

thelegendofhercules

I’m honestly not sure why they bothered to drag the name Hercules into this movie. Apart from daddy Zeus and the lion-wrestling (oh boy the CGI was so bad) there is nothing there that is even halfway related to the legend. Mostly, Hercules is a Jesus-stand in who fights as a Gladiator. But okay, I don’t demand mythological accuracy. It’s just weird when you do so little with the original material.

There were a few changes though that I can’t easily dismiss or forgive. Most importantly the backstory: Was it really necessary that Hera – who always barely tolerated Zeus’ infidelity and gave him hell for it – came down to Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) to give her her blessing to sleep with Zeus? I mean, really? And I know that Zeus often approached his “affairs” in animal form, but I don’t think he ever actually slept with them in animal form. So why would you have invisible Zeus sleeping with Alcmene and enrich the entire scene with bull (as in cow) sounds?

thelegendofhercules1Even if you completely disregard that fuckery, there’s still the fact that Kellan Lutz couldn’t act his way out of a cardboard box and should have never gotten a lead in anything in the first place. And the rest of the cast joins him at his level of – I hesitate to call it that – acting. (Poor Liam McIntyre, at least of him I know that he is better than that material.)

And there’s the atrocious CGI, the fact that there were permanently some fluff/dust bunnies/cherry blossoms/snowflakes/”I don’t even know what they were supposed to be”-particles floating around (probably to enhance the 3D?), the abysmal dialogues, that fact that abs were obviously meant to be like tree rings in that they indicated age and just EVERYTHING ELSE. It was practically unbearable.

thelegendofhercules2Summarizing: No redeeming features whatsoever.

1 thought on “The Legend of Hercules (2014)

  1. Pingback: Hercules (2014) | kalafudra's Stuff

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