Don’t Kill It (2016)

Don’t Kill It
Director: Mike Mendez
Writer: Robert Olsen, Dan Berk
Cast: Dolph Lundgren, Kristina Klebe, Elissa Dowling, Michael Aaron Milligan, Billy Slaughter, Aaron McPherson, Jasi Cotton Lanier
Part of: /slash Filmfestival
Seen on: 1.10.2016
[Review by cornholio.]

Plot:
Jebediah Woodley (Dolph Lundgren) is a demon hunter. The best demon hunter. So when a demon hits the small Mississippi town of Chicory Creek, Jebediah is there to take care of it. Also there is FBI agent Evelyn Pierce (Kristina Klebe) who came to investigate the series of murder that the demon caused. While they both have their doubts about the work of the other, it doesn’t take long until they’re forced to team up.

Don’t Kill It knows exactly what it is and what it has to offer – and that is the perfect B-movie experience. So they throw all their weight into presenting the best piece of trash they could possibly offer – and it’s glorious.

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Re-Watch: Masters of the Universe (1987)

Masters of the Universe
Director: Gary Goddard
Writer: David Odell,Stephen Tolkin, Gary Goddard
Based on: the action figures
Cast: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, Courteney Cox, Robert Duncan McNeill, Jon Cypher, Chelsea Field, James Tolkan, Christina Pickles
Part of: /slash Filmfestival
Seen on: 19.9.2015
[Review by cornholio.]

Plot:
Skeletor (Frank Langella) has taken over He-Man’s (Dolph Lundgren) world which is slowly falling to pieces. But Skeletor’s claim to fame can be halted if He-Man manages to break his hold on the throne of Castle Greyskull before the moon is properly aligned for the last transfer of power. But backed into a corner, He-Man has no choice but to flee through a portal opened by Gwildor’s (Billy Barty) cosmic key. Together with Duncan (John Cypher), Teela (Chelsea Field) and Gwildor himself, He-Man finds himself stranded on our earth and the cosmic key lost. Will he be able to return in time?

We used to love He-Man when we were children and we watched this film so often, my parents still quote “I HAVE THE POWER” at us. But it had been 20 years or so since I last watched the film, so I was extremely excited when I saw that it was included in the /slash’s program this year (preceded by a hilarious, if slighlty overlong, live enactment with action figures of one of the audio plays that were also produced in the franchise). But there was also a sense of trepidation there: how bad would it really be? How many of my fond memories are tainted by nostalgia and how much is actually fun?

It turns out, I need not have feared. While Masters of the Universe isn’t exactly a cinematic masterpiece, it is an extremely decent film, with a high entertainment factor and a lot of heart.

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The Expendables 3 (2014)

The Expendables 3
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writer: Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt
Sequel to: The Expendables, The Expendables 2
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Wesley Snipes, Mel GibsonAntonio Banderas, Jet Li, Kelsey Grammer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Harrison FordGlen PowellVictor OrtizRonda RouseyKellan Lutz

Plot:
Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) and the rest of his crew (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Jet Li) have just freed former Expendable Doc (Wesley Snipes) from prison and are headed to Somalia now to take down an arms dealer. Said arms dealer – Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) – turns out to be another former Expendable, a founding member in fact. The fight quickly turns extremely personal and Barney, worried that they are all too old for the job, decides to find younger fighters to get rid of Stonebanks once and for all.

It might have been the overexposure because of the triple feature (I doubt it) but Expendables 3 didn’t blow me away. It wasn’t as funny as the second one and the host of new characters the throw at you is seriously displaced.

expendables3

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Re-Watch: The Expendables 2 (2012)

The Expendables 2
Director: Simon West
Writer: Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
Sequel to: The Expendables
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Nan Yu, Liam Hemsworth, Jet Li, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Charisma Carpenter
[Here’s my first review.]

Plot:
Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) and the rest of his crew (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Jet Li and Liam Hemsworth) have just saved a Chinese businessman who was kidnapped, when Church (Bruce Willis) calls in a favor: they are supposed to retrieve something from a safe in a crashed plane in the Albanian mountains. To crack that safe, they need to take Maggie (Nan Yu) along (though Yin Yang [Jet Li] stays in China). What should be a very quick and not very eventful mission, goes south when Villain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) appears.

When I saw Expendables 2 for the first time, I finally watched the kind of film I wanted The Expendables (1) to be and it made me happy (I liked it so much I watched the first one again which I shouldn’t have). On second watch it isn’t quite as good anymore, but it is still above and beyond the first film.

The_Expendables_2

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Re-Watch: The Expendables (2010)

The Expendables
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Writer: Dave Callaham, Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Charisma Carpenter, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Here’s my first review.]

Plot:
The Expendables are a group of mercenaries, most notably Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li) and Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren). They mostly go around blowing up bad guys and getting tattoos from Tool (Mickey Rourke), who always throws some wisdom into the mix. When Barney gets the job to get rid of the General, a tyrant on a small Latin-American Island, he has to face is own humanity. And he has to blow a lot of shit up.

I knew that The Expendables wasn’t a good film. In the spirit of completism and masochism, puzzledpeaces and me decided to take the release of the third one as the perfect opportunity to make it a triple feature. So here we are and I can honestly say that it is even worse than I remembered.

the_expendables

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The Expendables 2 (2012)

The Expendables 2
Director: Simon West
Writer: Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
Sequel to: The Expendables
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Nan Yu, Liam Hemsworth, Jet Li, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Charisma Carpenter

Plot:
Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) and the rest of his crew (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Jet Li and Liam Hemsworth*) have just saved a Chinese businessman who was kidnapped, when Church (Bruce Willis) calls in a favor: they are supposed to retrieve something from a safe in a crashed plane in the Albanian mountains. To crack that safe, they need to take Maggie (Nan Yu) along (though Yin Yang [Jet Li] stays in China**). What should be a very quick and not very eventful mission, goes south when Villain*** (Jean-Claude Van Damme) appears.

The Expendables 2 is everything The Expendables should have been already, but was too shoddily directed and taking itself way too seriously for. In this one, they just go with the flow and end up with a film that is pretty damn satisfying.

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The Expendables (2010)

The Expendables is Sylvester Stallone‘s vanity project, starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Charisma Carpenter, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Plot:
The Expendables are a group of mercenaries, most notably Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li) and Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren). They mostly go around blowing up bad guys and getting tattoos from Tool (Mickey Rourke), who always throws some wisdom into the mix. When Barney gets the job to get rid of the General, a tyrant on a small Latin-American Island, he has to face is own humanity. And he has to blow a lot of shit up.

The Expendables should have been great cinema: that cast and a bunch of fights and explosions, whatever could go wrong? The answer is simple: Sylvester Stallone. He should have never directed it, and neither he nor any of the other writers should be allowed to get within 200 meters of a script ever again. Also, everyone in this project should grow a sense of humor (except for Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who seem to have one already).

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