Since I promised my brother in law to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with him, I decided to do something with it. So, I’ll liveblog.
The German Optimus Prime voice sucks.
Did the cool bikes that just drove out of the truck actually have training wheels?
Do transformers really have a sense of smell? [“He’s here. I can smell him.”]
First explosion, minute 6. YYes, it really takes that long.
Chinese man stays calm. Because that’s what Chinese men do.
OKay, they throw Optimus Prime as a truck out of an airplane, he transforms mid-air, glides to the ground and transforms back. Why not throw him out already transformed?
Shia’s mother is motherly, ergo ridiculous and over-protective.
Dad doesn’t want Shia to date Megan Fox exclusively. What does he expect that Shia can get?
Shia finds a piece of the first part’s cube, which turns all the household appliances into mini-transformers. How come this thing burns easily through floors, but stayed calmly on Shia’s shirt? And how can a mixer transform into something with a gun?
Bumblebee gets called upon to save the day but has to go back into the shed because the poor, poor mother can’t handle seeing a transformer that’s actually helping her.
Ohhhhhhhhh, poor Bumblebee can’t go to college with Shia.
Megan Fox undresses, minute 17. Yes, they did wait that long.
Decepticons start to stalk Megan. Because, you know, somebody has to stalk the pretty girl.
Comic Relief Transformers.
Random Black Guy gets deep thoughts. [“If god has created us in his image, in whose image are the autobots created?”]
Humans are too evil to get the knowledge about space travel.
Annoying Official recites pointlessly all the information the Decepticons need. Of course, the Decepticons are eavesdropping. THEY ARE EVIL!
Shia’s college room mate is a conspiracy theorist obsessed with the transformers. Of course. And on every college, students sell hash brownies to every mother and no mother knows what marijuana is. *le sigh*
Mother gets even more embarassing when high.
CAT TRANSFORMER IZ IN UR SECRET BASE DRINKING UR MILKSHAKE.
First special effect that impressed me, minute 31. Lots of marbles make one thin transformer.
Megan talks to dog. “I’m nervous because I never chatted over a webcam before.”
Shia has an epileptic episode, writing Chinese characters with cake cream, which brings out his raw animalistic sex appeal and causes the hottest girl on campus to jump his bones.
That’s when Bumblebee turns up and beats her up for daring to talk about cheating on Megan. Yay???
Anyway, the decepticons have stolen the last bit of the cube, that’s why Bumblebee turns up to bring Shia to Optimus Prime. OP asks for Shia’s help. Because… actually, I don’t know why, it doesn’t really make sense. But then why should it? OH LOOK CAT TRANSFORMER IS BACK!
Mini-Decepticon talks English. Under water.
Aaaaaaaaand Megatron did a Jesus and is revived.
Huh? Did they just worry for fourty minutes about the slivers and the cube, just to hear that actually, the cube is completely unnecessary because all the information it used to store is now in Shia’s head? bzzzz
Shia, meanwhile, has another epileptic seizure that makes him sprout advanced knowledge nobody understands while making weird faces.
Another Mini-Decepticon is still hunting for the aforementioned completely useless cube sliver that Megan is guarding for Shia. Fortunately, Mini-Decepticon is not too bright. [And why do transformers feel pain?]
Megan captures Mini-Decepticon and flies to Shia. Of course, she takes the Decepticon with her. Because that’s the only logical thing to do.
Hottest girl on campus goes after Shia. OH NOES! SHE’S A DECEPTICON. Who pretends to want to have sex with him to suck his brains out. Of course that’s when Megan comes in and totally flips out because Shia is being assaulted.
Explosion, hunt, running, Megan saves the day. Well, until they are all kidnapped by a helicopter and brought to Giant!Decepticon whose German voice is even worse than Optimus’.
A bug is crawling down Shia’s throat. I have a Matrix flash back.
Anyway, they threaten to cut out Shia’s brain but then the autobots turn up and together they run away.
EPIC ROBOT BATTLE.
[Oh for crying out loud, I haven’t even seen half the movie yet… couldn’t that be the last battle and we end it all here?]
Giant!Decepticon just told Optimus what he needs Shia for. Smart.
Oh no, looks like Optimus Prime just died. But only a Prime can kill Megatron! WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
Finally the rest of the autobots turn up and they beat the Decepticons and drive off.
Mother gets mysterious phone call, giant Space!Decepticon shoots comets to earth, destruction ensues.
And the hunt on Shia begins. And on Shia’s room mate. But does anybody know where Megan has gone?
Annoying Official takes over the army, tells the Autobots to piss off, but they won’t because Optimus wouldn’t have wanted that.
AH! There’s Megan. She’s with Shia after all.
Misogynistic joke! Awesome.
John Turturro speaks faster than should be humanly possible.
The Mini-Decpticon Megan captured now gives them all information they want without even trying to withold anything. Even stupider than I thought.
The M-D leasds them to a Decepticon that’s so old it has a beard and needs a cane. [WHYOHWHY?] It turns out to be a Deceticon-turned-Autobot.
The Mini-Decepticon just sexually assaulted Megan. HOW FUNNY!
They jump to Egypt.
ROBOT HISTORY FLASHBACK.
Holy shit, this movie is boring. I thin even my action-movie-loving brother-in-law (who has seen Avatar twice) looks bored.
Anyway, they will try to revive Optimus with the energy stored in a pyramide. Or something equally convoluted. Sorry. I blacked out there for a bit.
Shia pulls a Robert Langdon. Three Kings! Dawn! Secret Entrance!
The army brings Optimus Prime to Egypt. Annoying Official gets his come-uppance. Shia and the faithful arrive at the secret entrance.
Comic Relief Transformers destroy antique grave, find secret entrance in secret entrance.
Shia finds the magic power thingy and it crumbles to dust. But he collects the dust because he just knows that it’s gonna work anyway. [Megan: “Why?” Shia: “Because I believe in it.” Me: *headdesk*]
Army drops Optimus. But unfortunately, the Decepticons have found them, too.
Another 45 minutes? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
What appears to be hours of battle in the desert.
A Mega!Decepticon shows up.
One Decepticon just dropped off Shia’s parents who were kidnapped. Or parentnapped.
Cat Transformer gets its ass kicked by Bumblebee.
Optimus is still not revived. In case you wondered.
John Turturro gets his epic fight as behooves a primarily comic character in an action movie.
We’re still battling in the desert. But now, the end is near (*sings* and so we face the final curtain…). As you can see, I’m still bored.
Mega!Decepticon digs at pyramide, gets blown to bits.
Goodie. Slo-Mo means that we’ve reached the high-light of the battle. I hope.
Shia is dying, in any case. Power dust gets blown in the wind. Not even Megan’s tears have healing powers.
Instead, Shia is travelling to the land of dead Primes who tell him that he has now earned the right to revive Optimus. Power dust forms power thingummy.
AND FINALLY OPTIMUS LIVES AGAIN.
Space!Decepticon steals Power Thingummy and fires up machine in the pyramide to kill the sun.
The old Decepticon-turned-Autobot shows up and hands Optimus spare parts so he a) doesn’t need the Power Thingummy after all [WHYOHWHY?] and b) is more powerful than ever.
I’m wondering what I just watched this movie. That’s the second time the whole plot has been blown into oblivion.
Anyway. Optimus kills Space!Decepticon.
Slo-Mo Hugs for EVERYONE! Kissing in front of a sunset for Shia and Megan. Corny voice over by Optimus.
THE END. Finally.