Remember Me (2010)

Remember Me is the newest movie by Allen Coulter, starring The Emo Prince of Emoness Robert Pattinson, Emilie de Ravin, Chris Cooper, Lena Olin, Ruby Jerins and Pierce Brosnan.

Plot:
Tyler (Robert Pattinson) has trouble coping with the death of his brother. (We know that because he smokes. And looks sad.) One night, he gets into a fight, trying to protect a few strangers from other strangers. (Because he’s self-destructive. Geddit?) When the police shows up, the detective in charge (Chris Cooper) is about to let Tyler and his best friend Aidan (Tate Ellington) go, when Tyler has to show that he really doesn’t care about himself, only about ideals, when he attacts said police men because Tyler feels that Police Guy doesn’t do his job. Both Tyler and Aidan are then arrested.
A few weels later, Aidan digs up the info that Police Guy has a daughter, Ally, (Emilie de Ravin) and he tells Tyler to get back at Police Guy by sleeping with his daughter [yes, they’re still living in the middle ages where young girls don’t have sex and are only tools to settle scores between the menfolk]. Tyler complies, even though a little unwillingly. But what no-one [except the entire audience] ever expected was that Ally and Tyler actually fall in love.

Oh bloody hell, people, this movie was bad. It was not only ridiculous per se, but it has no redeeming feature whatsoever. The acting was bad [how the hell did they get Pierce Brosnan to do this? I mean, that guy is not famous for his taste his movies but he usually does better than this…], the editing was absolutely gruesome [with continuity errors that actually made me flinch] but the worst offender was the script which just made me want to barf. And then, it doesn’t even have the decency to be funny in its badness. Instead it’s just boring. Man, I don’t even know where to start with ripping this movie apart.

[SPOILERS]

Did I ever tell you guys that my parents work with troubled kids, so I (and they, of course) pretty much got the whole “spot a kid in dire need of therapeutic assistance within 30 seconds” thing down to par? Anyway, Tyler definitely is such a kid. But because he continuously scribbles in a notebook, he doesn’t have psychological issues (even though he’s so self-destructive – he gets into fights! he smokes!), he’s a poet. [Maybe my parents should try that as a coping strategy.]

But it’s not only Tyler, all the characters are walking clichés, starting with the “overprotective” [read: abusive] policeman who can’t cope with his wife’s death to the kooky room mate who only exists to be comic relief to the young, but so very wise because so very intelligent and talented sister. Yuck.

Emo Prince is Emoing.

But it’s not only the characterisation where the script falls completely flat. It’s like the writer (Will Fetters) got his hands on a book called “Script Writing 101: Everyone Can Do It!” and completely bought the myth that structure is a sufficient substitute for talent or thinking things through.

Apart from the obvious lack of quality, there’s also the feminist in me that was sobbing non-stop through this movie. First the entire premise of getting back at the father by sleeping with the daughter. Because what better way to hurt a father than to defile his prized possession?
Then the father, whose relationship with the daughter is very close to being abusive but is definitely unhealthy, crosses the final line and hits his daughter. So, she moves out (YAY) and since she only exists to be the substitute wife for her dad, she doesn’t have any friends whatsoever but shows up at Tyler’s doorstep, a guy she has known for a whooping week. Thorugh a series of coincidencs, her dad finds out where she’s staying, breaks into Tyler’s flat and has a fight with him. But when Tyler tells her about that, she gets angry with Tyler and moves back in with her dad and apologises to him for running away (no, I am not making this shit up) while he completely fails to apologise in any way, shape or form.
People, that is so screwed up. I don’t even know what to say.

An Austrian movie magazine’s three sentence description made it sound like the couple this movie was about was Robert Pattinson and Pierce Brosnan. That would have been a much better movie.

But then again, almost anything would have been a much better movie than the one we actually saw. So, stay away. Far, far, far, far, far, far far away.

In case you’re wondering, again, why I’d watch this movie, it started as a kind of joke, when I told deadra, “you know, we could watch Remember Me” and deadra didn’t say no but instead dared me to actually go and see it and then none of us ever stopped and then we were in a long queue of giggling teenage girls while in another room they showed a pre-premier of Kick Ass and we probably could have talked our way into tickets for that showing but instead we ended up watching RPattz brood for two hours. It was painful.

8 thoughts on “Remember Me (2010)

  1. So your basic point is that we need to be protected from ourselves. Like we didn’t know that already.

    Pierce Brosnan being in this movie didn’t bother me as much as Lena Olin. How did that happen? What was she thinking?!

    My own verdict is a massive spoiler, but can talk about my feelings (because I left my leatherbound journal in the other room), so:

    I wanted him to die. I wanted him to die after the first 20 minutes. I wanted him to die so badly I _rooted for the terrorists_. Argh.

    • Oh, yeah, if this movie hadn’t sucked all the energy from me, I probably would have cheered at the end. Literally.

      I don’t know, Lena Olin didn’t surprise me that much. I mean, apart from the Reader, her most recent “high profile” movie was The Queen of the Damned.

  2. This looked super boring. Glad to see that a) it’s as rubbish as I had thought, and b) that you only went on a dare. I will gladly leave my Lena Olin memories unsullied in their pristine Irina Derevko packaging…

    • I’m seriously considering daring deadra to go see the newest Miley Cyrus/Nicholas Sparks abomination as revenge but the thing is that I’d probably have to see it with her as she watched Remember Me with me… I’m not sure if I’m ready for this…

    • Unfortunately, in Austria, we don’t have abonnements at the cinema. But I have a special cinema card so I get each ticket cheaper (usually 5,40 to 7,70 Euro, depending on the film length, day of the week etc.).
      Which means that I make the local cinemas very happy.

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