Colombiana (2011)

Director: Olivier Megaton
Writer: Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen
Cast: Zoe Saldana, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Michael Vartan, Cliff Curtis, Callum Blue, Amandla Stenberg

When Cataleya (Amanadla Stenberg) is a kid, her parents are murdered for trying to leave Don Luis’ (Beto Benites) drug cartel in Bogota. Cataleya manages to escape to the USA where she moves in with her uncle (Cliff Curtis). Her only wish is to take revenge, so she grows up to be an assassin. Her uncle arranges the hits, while Cataleya – now grown up (Zoe Saldana) – does the killing. But she uses these murders to draw attention to herself, in the hope to make Don Luis and his henchman Marco (Jordi Mollà) come to her that way.

Colombiana was a really bad film – and it didn’t even have the decency to be funny with it. Though there were moments.

It all started off in a weird parallel version of Colombia, where everybody speaks English – but with a Spanish accent. Because that makes total sense. It seems that this crap is getting more prevalent again. At least it gave rise to the following:

Papa, on screen: “Listen Cataleya!”
Cataleya, on screen: “I do not understand, Papa.”
Person in the row behind me: “I don’t speak English, you know, Papa.”

Generally speaking the movie was made up of a whole lot of stupid. Apart from the general plot developments there were scenes like where Cataleya’s uncle – to show Cataleya how important it is to have brains to know what to shoot at if you want to become an assassin – starts emptying his gun randomly on a street right in front of a school. Nobody cares.

But that’s nothing compared to the assassinations Cataleya stages. She must be the worst assassin ever. Her plans always depend on about a billion coincidences (like there being a spoon in a cup of coffee that is brought to her even though she fake sleeps or a guard going to pee at exactly the right moment). It is sad, really.

Apart from the scene where Cataleya plays drunk and which is pretty hilarious, the movie is ridiculous, badly acted and written even worse – and yet boring.

Summarising: I figured the film had to be better than its trailer (because that is pretty much the worst trailer ever) but I was wrong.

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