Leo Putin and the Wet Seduction

And so it continues. (Maybe it will become an annual thing, but I won’t promise anything.) And it’s this picture’s fault:

As usual: I’m not saying that anything of what I write below actually happened. Though Leonardo DiCaprio and Vladimir Putin are real persons, I don’t know squat about them or their personal life, but I’m reasonably sure that there is nothing to ‘ship there. This is a work of fiction with a dash of satire and should be seen that way.

Brace yourselves.

Leo Putin and the Wet Seduction

Leo carefully closed the door to the cage before opening the extra compartment where Judy the tiger was waiting. The tiger inside was almost ready to be released into the wild again. Since things were going extremely well, it would probably be the last tiger for a while and Leo was anxious for a change of scenery. Not that he didn’t love living with Vladimir. He even started to love the taiga and the unforgiving Russian weather.

But he spent so much tim e of his life traveling, it was a hard habit to break. And he would love to get some more sunshine, see the ocean, go for a swim.

He had been trying to convince Vladimir of this plan for a while now. While Leo had put his career on break to devote his time to the tigers, Vladimir had been working harder than ever since they got together. He was afraid about his people’s reaction to falling in love with an American. Not only that, but an American of German descent. So he did everything he could to not lose the favor of his country. Yet another reason why Leo wanted to get away for a bit: Vladimir needed a holiday.

Leo sighed. He needed more leverage to get Vladimir to relax a little. His popularity ratings were as good as ever – as proved by the recent demonstrations in Moscow – and there really was no reason to worry. But in that regard you really couldn’t talk to Vladimir. He considered taking time off as a personal sign of failure.

Though Leo thought he might have found the perfect solution to his problem. A solution that would bring them sun, the sea, good press and tapped right into their joint cause. He would tell Vladimir that night. And he’d be damned if Vladimir could come up with any more excuses.


Vladimir was dead on his feet. He could barely keep his eyes open to read the documents he had to sign while his pilot flew him home in the helicopter.

Home. The word, the image of Leo waiting for him there, it still gave him a small jolt every time he thought of it. Smiling he considered calling Leo, but he should really get the signatures done before he arrived. Leo hated it when he brought work home. And he was almost there anyway.

When the helicopter finally landed next to their house, a sudden surge of energy made it hard for Vladimir to stay in his seat. The 30 seconds it took for the helicopter to touch down, the seatbelt to unlock and the door to open seemed to stretch into eternity. Finally he scrambled out and hastened towards the house where Leo had already opened the door for him.

The two men embraced as if they hadn’t seen each other for 12 months instead of 12 hours. The Leo pulled Vladimir inside and into the dining room.

While Vladimir started eating his Borshtsh, Leo began his pitch straight away.

“Vladimir, I’ve been thinking. You know we can release Judy probably in a week or two and right now there’s nothing else we can do here for the tigers. So what I’m trying to say here is that I’ve been looking into a different project for the past few days. And I think I found the perfect thing. There’s a Japanese organisation which works with dolphins and whales and there would be a possibility to stay with them for a couple of weeks. They’d show us their work, we could help them, do a huge press thing, raise awareness… you know. Plus,” he added with a smile, “we’d get to swim with dolphins.”

Vladimir looked at Leo. Before his inner eye he saw Leo, first almost naked, then entirely naked, but always wet. He also saw a dolphin or two, but they definitely weren’t the main attraction.

“Do say yes, Vladimir. The dolphins need us and you need the break.”

Vladimir considered it for another moment, but he knew Leo was right. And so he finally gave in and agreed. For the dolphins.


Two weeks later, they found themselves in a Japanese dolphin rescue station. They spent their days listening to their guides talking about the dire straits the dolphins found themselves in and just how endangered they were, helping with whatever menial task they could and taking any chance they could get to get into the water with the dolphins.

Of course, they were followed by the press the whole time who documented every step they took – they were on a mission after all. So their evenings where usually filled with interviews for various TV stations, newspapers and whoever else wanted to talk about the plight of the dolphins. In short, there was no time whatsoever for them to relax.

So even though Leo got sunshine and the ocean, he was not satisfied with the way things were going. While he had expected some interest from the press in their project – and from the rescue station in their help – he had not expected the extent of either.

And now, instead of Vladimir being able to unwind a bit during the day and them having some romance at night, they ran from appointment to appointment and then just fell into their beds late at night to sleep like stones until the next morning.

After about a week of this, Leo had enough. He had to admit to himself that the experiment of combining voluntary work and holidays was a failure and that he would have to put a stop to it – since Vladimir obviously would never put himself before the suffering dolphins.

So Leo pulled a few strings, called a friend and the next day he basically manhandled Vladimir into a promptly arranged private jet to a small island just off the coast of Rio, which belonged to a friend who understood the need to sometimes make decisions for your loved ones.

Vladimir protested at first but when they reached Isle Esme, he stopped complaining. It was a beautiful piece of land and they were all alone there. What more could you ask for?


That first night, all Leo and Vladimir did was catch up on the sleep they had missed in the last week. But the next morning, they went down to the beach for a morning swim and the sight of half-naked Leo in the water enjoying himself so obviously, was enough for Vladimir to make the whole shortening of their commitment to the dolphin rescue station worthwhile.

Vladimir soon had enough of swimming himself, so he just lay down on the warm sand and watched Leo who continued snorkeling. After a while, he dozed off, only to be awoken when the still very wet – and now very naked – Leo kissed him softly on the lips

This was the official prelude to a very languid week for the both of them. Leo had even thought of bringing a bit of sequined underwear.

When they returned after a couple of weeks, Vladimir was convinced that in the future, they would go on holidays much more often. He could hardly wait to see what Leo would look like on the beaches around the world.

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