London (2005)

London
Director: Hunter Richards
Writer: Hunter Richards
Cast: Chris Evans, Jessica Biel, Joy Bryant, Jason Statham, Kelli Garner, Isla Fisher, Louis C.K., Jeff Wolfe, Dane Cook, Lina Esco, Paula Patton, Kat Dennings
Seen on: 22.1.2017

Plot:
London (Jessica Biel) broke up with Syd (Chris Evans) six months ago, but Syd can’t let her go. When he hears that friends are throwing a going-away party for London, he decides to go there uninvited to speak to her one more time. On the way there, he meets banker Bateman (Jason Statham) and brings him alone. But when he reaches the party, he loses his courage and locks himself in the bathroom where he consumes copious amounts of cocain and alcohol and tries to talk it through – with himself, with Bateman, with the various bathroom visitors, just not with London.

London is a film made by men for men who are convinced that every word that falls out of their mouths is interesting and very smart. Newsflash: it’s not. In fact, the entire film is proof that a lot of men are absolutely unbearable.

[SPOILERS]

London takes a bad premise and makes it worse with every single step the plot takes. Starting with the fuckery that is Syd’s feeling of entitlement to London. He was with her for two years, he screwed things up royally, she broke up with him finally and now he’s sad so somehow it becomes her duty to make him unsad? And we’re supposed to root for a guy who thinks it’s the best idea in the world to lock himself in a bathroom at the apartment of his ex-girlfriend’s best friend during a party he wasn’t even invited to in the first place, completely ruining said party and the ex’s last night in the city with her friends.

And because this is a film written by a man who views women as prizes to be won if only you want them bad enough, of course at the end of the film Syd gets to fuck London and while they don’t actually end up together, there is enough positivity there to easily imagine that they will. Once London has got her independence out of her system and realizes what an awesome guy Syd is.

And just to make that point: Syd is a stalkerish drunk with a cocaine addiction who spends the entire film talking basically non-stop to Bateman and a string of beautiful women who happen to visit the bathroom (because a) the male gaze needs something to ogle and b) women are needed to do the emotional labor here). And it’s so obvious drug talk that is meant to be super-deep and philosophical and revelatory, but it’s just bullshit after bullshit.

As likeable as Chris Evans is, not even he could save this film. Neither could Statham, cast in a slightly different role for once, but not necessarily to his advantage (I just could not get used to the side parting. Or the hair, at all). If it’s not clear yet: I hated the film and if I hadn’t watched it together with a friend, I’d probably never have finished it.

Summarizing: Burn it with fire.

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