Movies of the Weekend

This weekend brought me to the cinema, though not to see, as announced, Lars and the Real Girl and Cassandra’s Dream, but The Happening and In Bruges.

And then deadra and me went completely crazy and watched an Uwe Boll double feature – BloodRayne and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

But first things first: we started off with The Happening. If you are a regular reader, you might wonder why I went to see it, as I have done nothing but bitching about M. Night Shyamalan. But don’t worry, I will continue to do just that.
The Happening aka Shyamalan’s An Incovenient Truth [(c) Deadra] sucked big time. And keep in mind that this is the same post where I write about Uwe Boll movies and I’m afraid that The Happening is the worst of the movies I write about today…
I watched it with the faint hope that it would be entertaining and that I could spend the whole movie making fun of it. Instead I spent it mostly being bored, with a few exceptions [For example when Mark Wahlberg talks to the plant].
The plus side: Shyamalan didn’t try to be especially creative with obvious plot twists. And he didn’t go for the word play [SPOILER!] plant – nuclear power plant [SPOILER END!]. Shyamalan had only a voice role, not a real cameo.
The minus side: The plot. Zooey Deschanel couldn’t act if her life depended on it. Even amidst a completely bad cast, she stuck out. [SPOILER!] Shyamalan managed to kill off the only actor who would have actually been worth watching – John Leguizamo [SPOILER END!].

Well, money badly spent… nothing worse should happen. Like having to watch this movie again.

In Bruges, on the other hand, was great. I really don’t know why it wasn’t marketed more. Here we have the perfect combination of (British) black humour [There’s only two things, Belgium is famous for: pedophilia and chocolate. And they only got the chocolate to get to the kids.], a good cast (Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes) and a cool story, topped off with a bit of splatter, all in front of the beautiful scenery Bruges has to offer. Very well done, Martin McDonagh!
If you haven’t seen it, go and do. It’s worth it.

Now, we come to Uwe Boll.
BloodRayne was disappointing. I thought, again, I could laugh my ass off while watching, but unfortunately, it left me only wondering. And bored.
It was a gruesome mixture of genres, not really a vampire movie, not really a splatter movie [although the blood fountains sure were great…], not really a horror movie, but a little bit of all of that.
Michael “Sexy Voice” Madsen acted even less than he usually does. Ben Kingsley seemed so bored (and I’m sure he was) that when he held the traditional motivational speech before the great battle, it sounded like he recited the phone book. For the second time in two hours.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I didn’t get the ending. I didn’t get the ending of an Uwe Boll movie. How pathetic. But what was up with that best of all scenes? What was that supposed to mean?

Finally, finally, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale delivered what I had hoped for the whole weekend: Unintentional hilarity. Starting with the LotR rip off world, over the story and the dialogues and ending with the imdb forums, it was great. The first hour or so was a bit boring, but then it was packed with quotes that had me on the floor.

King Konreid: Bring in the ninjas!

Gallian: In my kingdom, there will be no word for madness. It will simply be called power.

quote

And then, of course, the world’s best pick up line: The cross-eyed Legolas character gets caught by the bad guys and thrown into a dungeon. He turns to the prisoner next to him, coincidentally a girl, and says: “So, where are you from?”
Actually, this line was one of three final choices, the other two being “How you doin‘?” and “What does a girl like you do in a place like this?”

Wonderful.

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8 thoughts on “Movies of the Weekend

  1. The Happening had plenty of unintentionally hilarious moments too. But boy oh boy,did I hate it or what! Wahlberg successfully delivered a career worst performance. I swear I could have punched Zooey Deschanel trying to be all goofy and cute. You’re right, John Leguziamo was the one redeeming factor and I loved the one scene in Princeton.

    The Incredible Hulk turned out to be much more fun than I expected.

    You’ve convinced me to brave up to an Uwe Boll marathon now. :)

  2. The Happening was unbelieveably bad. I don’t know why Leguizamo did it. He usually has a good hand for movies.

    The Incredible Hulk…. Am so looking forward to it…

    I think an Uwe Boll marathon is cool, if you have a lot of alcohol. And good friends with you. I wouldn’t do it alone and sober :)

  3. Shortly before me leaving the US , Baph and I decided to watch Hulk. And we enjoyed it. Then out of boredom and surplus of time we went and saw Sex and the City. I am not going to go into details.. but those were one of the longest 2 hours of my life.. with me constantly asking myself : What am I doing here?

  4. I wouldnt say The Happening was unbelievably bad. I’ve seen worse film (and two of them by Shyamalan). It’s evident from frame one that he is a pretentious snob. But I didnt get bored watching the film, though every line uttered and every composed shot was forced.

    I agree with Kalafudra – In Bruges is an awesomely awesome film. So much so, that I would say its one of the most under-rated films of all time. Immaculately shot, intricately written and immediately accessible.

    Cassandra’s Dream wasn’t that bad. I cannot understand why it got only 50% on RT. I think critics tend to punish bigger directors too harshly. The film, very similar and inferior to Before The Devil Knows You;re Dead is quite good.

  5. @Swen: Didn’t we agree not to mention our little misadventure to anyone? And here you are shouting it out on the inter-web. The film – Sex and the City – is an abomination. It made me feel depressed by its depravity and materialism. This is the sort of film and these are the sort of characters that can kill your belief in humanity and life in general. 4 bitches and 2 hours of bad jokes and disgusting superficiality. I so badly wanted to get drunk, but i had to drive Daedalus to the airport.

  6. @Swen and baph:
    Sex and the City? Seriously? And no alcohol? Really? Poor you!
    I have seen a couple of episodes and it’s so not my things. I can’t understand their obsession with shoes. And clothes. And what’s their problem anyway?
    However, I have been told that if a man watches it (and doesn’t commit suicide), he can actually learn something useful, if he picks the right parts to learn from.
    I seriously doubt that.

    Right now, I feel like I’m the only person left who hasn’t seen The Incredible Hulk. Which isn’t true as it hasn’t started yet here… but damn, I am looking forward to it!

    @baph:
    You didn’t even get bored when it came towards the end and [SPOILER!] they arrive at the crazy woman’s house and have dinner and are scared, then sleep and are scared, wake up and are scared…? [/SPOILER!] Then you must be one hell of a patient guy.
    Seriously, this movie… It’s good I saw it in the cinema, because if there had been a desk close to me, I would have a concussion right now.

    In Bruges was wonderful. I loved it. And you’re right, seriously underrated.

    Haven’t watched Cassandra’s Dream yet, maybe tonight, after my exam.
    You’re probably right, with the judging. It’s always a matter of expectations and you just expect more from an actor/director/writer/… with a big name and are therefore bound to be disappointed, when the result is only slightly above average.
    On the other hand, when you have a no name actor/director/writer/… you don’t expect too much and if it’s slightly above average, you’re already talking about the next Spielberg or whatever.

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