It is time. I have pushed away the review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine long enough.
I have to apologise in advance: Hugh Jackman, I like you. Therefore I’m sorry. Liev Schreiber, you’re hot. Therefore I’m sorry. David Benioff, I loved 25th Hour, Stay and Troy (and I probably would have liked the Kite Runner had I seen it). Therefore I’m sorry. Gavin Hood, I’ve heard great things about Tsotsi. Therefore I’m sorry.
But X-Men Origins: Wolverine sucks great big ass.
The movie tells the origin story of Wolverine, starting with his childhood in the 19th century, continuing through several wars until it reaches almost today. Logan aka Wolverine [Hugh Jackman] travels through the history with his brother Victor [Liev Schreiber], most of the time they are soldiers. One day they get recruited by William Stryker [Danny Huston] for a special ops team consisting of a few mutants [Most notably Ryan Reynolds, Will.I.Am and Dominic Monaghan]. While Victor is getting more reckless with every day, Logan can’t handle the unethical violence anymore. So, he parts ways with the rest of the group. But things can’t end like this and they don’t.
The movie has everything in abundance – plot holes, bad CGI, worse CGI fridging, WTF moments, … the only thing it lacks is quality and a little more naked Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber. This is already a contender for worst movie of the year in my book.
[SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS]
Okay, first, I’d like to say that I have never read the comics – I’m only a fan of the movies. So I don’t know what of the film was comic canon and what wasn’t but I do know what is movie canon. And although I don’t mind changes when they actually make for a better story (well, only a little bit), I would have greatly appreciated it if we could have stuck to one version in the movies. Instead, Sabretooth/Victor is suddenly Logan’s brother (although they give no sign of recognition in any of the other movies). A Marvel movie that makes me go WTF in the first 3 minutes is a sad affair indeed. Was that really necessary? Really, really necessary?
I have to admit, seeing as the only motivation of Victor and Logan to stay together seemed to be their being brothers, I guess it was necessary, but what kind of lazy-ass writing is this? Give me some real motivation!
The characterisation in general was pretty sad. Bad enough that Logan only gets motivated by people dying around him (first his real father, then the innocent people the soldier troupe kills, then his girlfriend, then the nice couple who take him in, then his girlfriend again), but at least he has some kind of motivation. What’s up with Victor? I don’t buy the whole “he’s just an animal” shit. Also animals have motivations and contrary to popular belief do have motivations themselves and don’t just kill for the hell of it. Usually.
And let’s not talk about the dialogue. Okay, let’s talk about the dialogue: It was absolutely ridiculous. [“Do you know what happens to people who go out looking for blood? They find it.” *headdesk*] It is almost worth to watch the movie a second time, just to count the number of clichés while they talk. Almost.
What’s next? Ah, yes: plot. Let’s see how many questions I have after seeing the movie:
- Why the hell do Victor and Logan stay together?
- Why doesn’t Remy (Taylor Kitsch) just tell Logan where the Island is, instead of dropping him off?
- Why does Remy attack Logan while he’s fighting Victor? Wouldn’t it be a little more logical to let either Logan kill Victor or Victor kill Logan and then kill the remaining one?
- Speaking of that fight: why does John Wraith (Will.I.Am) go after Victor alone, knowing full well that he can’t take him?
- Not knowing the comics (deadra explained to me afterwards): what exactly are Gambits’ powers? And for that matter – what are Zero’s powers? I know that he sees really, really well, but apparently he can also jump so well it’s almost flying…
- Why doesn’t Logan check whether Kayla has any holes anywhere? He finds her soaked in blood , but her shirt isn’t ripped and she has no obvious wounds – wouldn’t that be kind of a pointer that she’s not really dead?
- How come the adamantium bullets supposedly kill Logan and in the next scene they only take his memory?
- How the hell would a bullet to the brain affect only memories? Say I buy that – how the hell could it only affect certain memories? I mean, Logan hasn’t forgotten how to speak or how not to shit his pants…
- Say you’re in the middle of an evil experiment – do you really stop to print dog tags?
- Say you’re in the middle of an evil experiment and you plan the experimentee’s memory afterwards – why don’t you do it right away?
- Say you worked with a guy for quite a while – wouldn’t you know that he has hypersensitive senses and therefore not talk about your evil plan in his presence?
- And wouldn’t it be easier to steal some DNA from the mutants to create Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) instead of locking all the mutants up? I mean, I’m pretty sure I could get access to a hair or some skin of any given person if I really wanted to, but locking them up in my basement?
That’s all I can think of right now, but I do think that’s more than enough.
But apart from insulting my intelligence, the movie also insults me as a woman. Once more, one lover gets fridged – and that she would get fridged was painfully obvious from the moment she hugged Logan on the lonely mountain top. But to fridge her, then have her revealed to be a bitch, then restore her character and then to fridge her again and then letting Logan forget all about it – that is insult^10.
Let me recap that for you: fridge – bitch – not – fridge – forget.
It can’t get much more misogynistic than that.
If you need to fridge her to motivate Logan then at least don’t let him forget about it. Next movie (and yes, sequel’s already planned) will probably see another instance of fridging to motivate Logan yet again. If he keeps on forgetting, they’ll obviously have to keep on doing it.
But I guess that I could have stood all of that a lot better if the special effects where at least worth their salt. But they were ridiculously bad. Logan’s claws looked so fake, I’m pretty sure that glued on paper claws would have looked more real. And Deadpool’s head falling down the reactor thingy and slicing it… JESUS!
The worst offense of it all was uncanny-valley Professor X though. He actually scared the shit out of me. And why did he get to walk? Would have been so much harder to make a freakishly bad CGI wheelchair than to make freakishly bad CGI legs? I mean I know that Prof X gets to walk a couple of times in the comics through some occurrence or other (clones and parallel universes and strange cures and whatnot) before there’s yet another accident and he’s paralysed again – but do we really have to continue this ridiculous tradition?
Well, as you can probably gather from this, this movie was one huge disappointment (except for Hugh Jackman running naked through a meadow). It really made me wish that I hadn’t stayed clean and legal and had downloaded the leaked version and gotten the whole thing over with.
Seriously, if you had asked me two weeks ago which movie I expected to like better, Wolverine or Star Trek, my answer most definitely would have been Wolverine.
Well. That’s cleared up and my answer now is definitely not Wolverine.