Lights Out (2016)

Lights Out
Director: David F. Sandberg
Writer: Eric Heisserer
Based on: Sandberg’s short film
Cast: Teresa Palmer, Gabriel Bateman, Alexander DiPersia, Maria Bello, Billy Burke, Alicia Vela-Bailey, Andi Osho, Lotta Losten
Seen on: 22.8.2016

Plot:
After the violent death of his father (Billy Burke), Martin (Gabriel Bateman) is left alone with his mother Sophie (Maria Bello). But Sophie isn’t doing too well and seems to believe that there is somebody in the house with them. When Martin falls asleep in school again, they call his sister Rebecca (Teresa Palmer) who thought that she left her mother behind after a problematic childhood. But when she realizes that Martin is experiencing the same issues she had, she knows she has to step in.

The short film this is based on was creepy as fuck, but it was also build on a single scare, making me wonder how well they’d be able to stretch it into an entire feature film. The answer is that they manage pretty damn well by focusing on what is too often ignored in horror at the moment: the characters.

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Director: Bill Condon
Writer: Melissa Rosenberg
Based on: Stephenie Meyer‘s book
Sequel to: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Michael Sheen, Christopher Heyerdahl, Jamie Campbell Bower, Mackenzie Foye, Maggie Grace, Dakota Fanning, MyAnna Buring, Rami Malek, Joe Anderson, and for me most importantly Lee Pace

Plot:
Bella (Kristen Stewart) survived the birth of her daughter Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) and is quickly adapting to having become a vampire like Edward (Robert Pattinson). But the arrival of a half-human, half-vampire child causes quite a few ripples in the vampire community. And when the Volturi hear about it, they believe that Bella and Edward turned a human child into a vampire – a capital offense they will make sure will be punished.

Well, it is over. I think that is about the best one can say about this. But they manage to have basically nothing happen in the movie at all (though they did force some action in, and quite cleverly I might add) and to not resolve anything, really. And I think that if you haven’t read the books, the whole thing only makes a limited amount of sense. At least, with 3/4 of a rum bottle I shared with C. during the film, it was quite entertaining.

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[SPOILERS]

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Director: Bill Condon
Writer: Melissa Rosenberg
Based on: Stephenie Meyer‘s book
Sequel to: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Anna Kendrick, (and for way too little time: Michael Sheen, Christopher Heyerdahl, Jamie Campbell Bower, Dakota Fanning)

Plot:
Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are finally getting married and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) even stops sulking long enough to talk to Bella for five minutes, before Edward whisks her off to their own private honeymoon island. Within a few days, Bella realizes that she is pregnant. Since Edward is a vampire that should be impossible. And that’s only the beginning of the trouble.

Breaking Dawn was pretty much what you’d expect it would be – only that I undererstimated the amount of alcohol I would need to get through it and then we hit the birth and I wasn’t drunk yet and then we hit the imprinting and I had to beg aber_karramba for some of hers because I was all out. [See also.]
But apart from that, given the source material, the film wasn’t actually that bad.

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Red Riding Hood (2011)

Red Riding Hood is the newest movie by Catherine Hardwicke, starring Amanda Seyfried, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Virginia Madsen, Lukas Haas, Billy Burke, Julie Christie and Gary Oldman.

Plot:
As long as they can remember, the inhabitants of Daggerhorn have been living with a werewolf at their doorstep. A situation that imposes some restrictions on them but that they have learned to deal with. Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) lives a rather normal life in Daggerhorn. She’s in love with Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), though her family, especially her mother (Virginia Madsen), wants her to marry the rich Henry (Max Irons). So Valerie and Peter decide to run away. But before they’re able to go through with their plan, Valerie’s sister is killed by the werewolf, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), a werewolf-hunting priest, shows up and things change quickly.

Red Riding Hood delivers mostly what it promises: uber-camp. The only problem is that its three leads in the love triangle (Seyfried, Fernandez, Irons) actually take this film seriously. I mean, not even the set designer did – but these three do and it is a little weird. But then Gary Oldman makes up for it all.

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Drive Angry 3D (2011)

Drive Angry 3D is the newest film by Patrick Lussier, starring Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke and David Morse.

Plot:
John Milton (Nicolas Cage) manages to escape from hell to save his granddaughter who has been abducted by Jonah King (Billy Burke), head of an evil sect who plan to sacrifice her. John pairs up with Piper (Amber Heard) because she has a cool car and an attitude and starts to hunt down King, while being hunted himself by The Accountant (William Fichtner) who was sent to bring him back to hell.

I did not expect Drive Angry 3D to be any good. I expected it to be incredibly campy and entertaining and fun. But I was very disappointed nonetheless because I ended up being bored.

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Fracture (2007)

Fracture is a movie by Gregory Hoblit, starring Anthony Hopkins, Ryan Gosling, David Strathairn, Rosamund Pike and Billy Burke.

Plot:
When Ted Crawford (Anthony Hopkins) discovers that his wife has an affair, he hatches a plan to kill her and immediately confesses to the murder. So, when young up-and-coming DA Willy Beachum (Ryan Gosling) gets this case as his last before starting at a prestigious law firm, he thinks that it will be a short one. But as soon as the trial starts, Beachum discovers that Crawford has been meticulous in his planning, and that his opponent is not as easy as he thought.

Fracture has all the rigt ingredients for an excellent thriller – good idea, awesome cast and an experienced director. But it falls a little short of the mark nevertheless.

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Eclipse is the third part in the Twilight Saga, based on the books by Stephenie Meyer. It was directed by David Slade and stars Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Billy Burke. You probably know this already. At least, if you’re not living under a rock that has a special shield against pop culture/teenage fan girls. [Here are my reviews of the other films and the books. (I must have been high when I wrote the reviews of the books, though. Or probably severly brain damaged from reading them.)]

Plot:
Bella (Kristen Stewart) loves Edward (Robert Pattinson), our vampire hero. Edward loves Bella, too! Yay! Unfortunately, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), our werewolf hero, loves Bella as well and thinks that Bella loves him but doesn’t want to admit it. Since Bella’s opinion is generally completely inconsequential, nobody cares that she’s pretty clear on that point, though.
Anyway, amidst all this drama, there are some evil vampires. And more evil vampires. Who work for another evil vampire. And stuff’s going down, but nobody cares anymore.

If you can’t tell by my plot description: I was very disappointed by Eclipse. Because for all their faults (and they are plenty), the Twilight movies were very entertaining so far. Eclipse is not. It’s boring. It didn’t make me laugh. In fact, I laughed once and that was at an actual joke!!!!111!!!eleventy!!! Oh, the state of affairs…

[SPOILERS]

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

[Here’re my reviews of the books and the first movie. OMFG. I just re-read my review of Twilight (book)… bloody hell, I must have been braindead at the time of writing that.]

New Moon is the second movie of the Twilight Saga based on Stephenie Meyer‘s books. It was directed by Chris Weitz and stars Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson and Billy Burke.

Plot:
Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) birthday is coming up and she’s worried because she’s going to be 18, but her vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) will be an eternal 17-year old. When, during her birthday party, she cuts her finger and makes co-vampire Jasper (Jackson Rathbone shares this role with the most ridiculous wig ever) almost eat her. So Edward decides that he is too dangerous to be around and leaves Bella (taking his whole family with him). Bella sinks in a deep hole of despair that can only be kinda filled by Jacob (Taylor Lautner), best friend cum werewolf. And then things get really bad.

You thought Twilight was craptastic? New Moon is worse. So much worse. All the actors seemed unable, or at least unwilling, to act (except for Billy Burke and Taylor Lautner). Chris Weitz sucks so much. And yet, it isn’t a bad adaptation of the book, though it could have been better.

[SPOILERS]

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Twilight (2008)

Twilight is the movie based on the book [my reviews of the series here]by Stephenie Meyer. And if you haven’t heard anything about it, you must be new to this blog and not have any teenage girl in your vicinity.

The plot follows the book closely: After her mother remarries, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington to live with her father. There she meets beautiful Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who turns out to be a vampire. The rest is smiling, stalking, clumsiness, over-protectiveness, a tentative kiss, dazzling perfection, angst and an evil vampire.

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[SPOILERS BELOW]

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