Eclipse is the third part in the Twilight Saga, based on the books by Stephenie Meyer. It was directed by David Slade and stars Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Billy Burke. You probably know this already. At least, if you’re not living under a rock that has a special shield against pop culture/teenage fan girls. [Here are my reviews of the other films and the books. (I must have been high when I wrote the reviews of the books, though. Or probably severly brain damaged from reading them.)]
Bella (Kristen Stewart) loves Edward (Robert Pattinson), our vampire hero. Edward loves Bella, too! Yay! Unfortunately, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), our werewolf hero, loves Bella as well and thinks that Bella loves him but doesn’t want to admit it. Since Bella’s opinion is generally completely inconsequential, nobody cares that she’s pretty clear on that point, though.
Anyway, amidst all this drama, there are some evil vampires. And more evil vampires. Who work for another evil vampire. And stuff’s going down, but nobody cares anymore.
If you can’t tell by my plot description: I was very disappointed by Eclipse. Because for all their faults (and they are plenty), the Twilight movies were very entertaining so far. Eclipse is not. It’s boring. It didn’t make me laugh. In fact, I laughed once and that was at an actual joke!!!!111!!!eleventy!!! Oh, the state of affairs…
What makes Eclipse worse thanTwilight or New Moon? A multitude of things. It focusses on entirely the wrong things (things like Bella or Edward). The human kids get one or two real scenes and that is just plain wrong. They also managed to take the only one of the books with actual plot and completely screw it up. There are so many parties involved, none of which get enough time because of all the soulful gazing and the loving yapping, that you don’t care about any of them.
Add to that practically everybody in the film decided that actually acting wasn’t worth it (except Billy Burke and Taylor Lautner, who didn’t get that memo) – the poetry in the meadow was even more painful than it should have any right to be through the sheer emotionless with which that poem was read. And then add to that the fucking horns in the soundtrack. [Oh, Howard Shore, how did it come to this?] What you get is a mess, where nobody seems to enjoy themselves.
The problem, I think, is that David Slade actually tried to make a good film [at which he failed. But the trying itself already destroyed everything]. The end result just isn’t bad enough to be involuntarily funny, but there can never be any good coming from a Twilight movie. Though there were a couple of nice jokes. [“I’m hotter than you.”] But it’s kind of embarassing to laugh at them, since it’s Twilight we’re talking about.
And they completely destroyed my favourite part about the books: The flashbacks. Especially Jasper’s sucked so very hard.
At least there was action on screen. Even if it was badly paced (as was the rest of the movie).
So here’s my tip for Breaking Dawn: Embrace the ham, people! EMBRACE THE HAM. It’s the only thing that will save these movies. That and the birth scene.