[Here’re my reviews of the books and the first movie. OMFG. I just re-read my review of Twilight (book)… bloody hell, I must have been braindead at the time of writing that.]
Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) birthday is coming up and she’s worried because she’s going to be 18, but her vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) will be an eternal 17-year old. When, during her birthday party, she cuts her finger and makes co-vampire Jasper (Jackson Rathbone shares this role with the most ridiculous wig ever) almost eat her. So Edward decides that he is too dangerous to be around and leaves Bella (taking his whole family with him). Bella sinks in a deep hole of despair that can only be kinda filled by Jacob (Taylor Lautner), best friend cum werewolf. And then things get really bad.
You thought Twilight was craptastic? New Moon is worse. So much worse. All the actors seemed unable, or at least unwilling, to act (except for Billy Burke and Taylor Lautner). Chris Weitz sucks so much. And yet, it isn’t a bad adaptation of the book, though it could have been better.
I honestly believed that Catherine Hardwick was a bad director, but compared to Chris Weitz she’s genius. Pure, unadulterated genius. This man manages to have one scene in the whole movie that is a little above average (though not much) – the scene where they chase Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) through the woods. Everything else is either absolutely aweful or a commercial that is absolutely aweful (like the FlashForward where Vampire!Bella and Edward go frollicking through the forest).
The script by Melissa Rosenberg… yes, it sticks closely to the book but I think that Melissa Rosenberg is secretly subverting these movies by focussing on the most ridiculous plot points. One could have made the movie a little less bad. But Rosenberg seems to enjoy pointing out the bad things.
Bella: Now I’m older than you!
Edward: No, I’m 109 years old.
Bella: Well, maybe I shouldn’t date somebody that old.
Me: HELL YES! OF COURSE YOU SHOULDN’T!
As in the first movie, the best thing about the whole film is the interaction between Bella and her dad (Billy Burke). Though not in the way Stephenie Meyer and Melissa Rosenberg seem to have intended. Charlie should come off as this overbearing parent who just doesn’t understand the pain his daughter is going through. But, people, Charlie is as sweet as can be and worries rightly about his daughter who isn’t able to exist without a man around her. It’s Bella who’s a complete brat.
Charlie: [comes into room bearing gifts] Happy birthday, Bella!
Bella: I thought we agreed, no presents?
Charlie: The one from me isn’t wrapped, so it doesn’t count. [hands over camera (pink, of course)]
Bella: Thanks, dad! That’s actually really great.
Me: As opposed to all the other sucky presents you’ve given me so far in my life, you fucker.
The other person who is even mildly interesting – because he happens to have a character – is Jacob. And Taylor Lautner does a good job acting. And the five minutes (combined) Bella’s human friends spend on screen are awesome as well.
Mike: So listen… Now that you’re talking again… And eating… You know, you gotta get that protein in there. You know I was just wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me.
Bella Swan: Yeah… Sure. Yeah I do.
Mike: Okay… We could check out “Love spelled backwards is love” You know, it’s a dumb title, but, um, it’s a romantic comedy, it’s suppose to be…
Bella: No. No romance. Uh, well, how about “Face Punch” You heard of that?
Mike: Well, it’s an action movie.
Bella: Yeah, it’s perfect. With guns… adrenaline… it’s my thing.
Bella: We should get a bunch of people… You guys wanna go see “Face Punch” ?
Eric: Yeah! Hey, Mike, remember we were suppose to watch that? The trailer’s all like “* Pew, pew!* Punch his face in”
Jessica: Movie night with Bellllllaaaaaaa [Rolls eyes]
Of course, Jessica (Anna Kendrick) then dares to talk sense and is not allowed to say another word throughout the entire movie.
Michael Sheen, whatever made him join the cast is not a mystery we’ll be able to unravel here, decided to do the social thing and not act, so that we’ll not notice so badly when the rest of the cast doesn’t either. As does Dakota Fanning. But since they couldn’t have saved the movie no matter what, I think that they made the right choice.
Well… to say anything about the plot would be redundant – there hardly is one. And most of it doesn’t make much sense anyway. And to look at the movie from a feminist point of view will probably give me the same nightmares Bella has in this film.
So let’s talk about the audience. We were lucky not to have any squealing fan girls in the screening. But directly behind us (us = abstrakt, deadra, * and me) sat a group of (mostly?) young guys and they were not bad with the commentary. Of course, they couldn’t beat me and deadra (I’m a little sorry for * who got caught between us), but then who can? ;)
I don’t think I will be able to tell you about everything that was said during the movie, but let me give you the highlights:
- Jacob whips of his shirt to dab at Bella’s self-inflicted head wound and to show off his abs. The whole theatre erupts in laughter. Guy behind us: “What? I don’t get it.”
- Jacob comes – without his shirt, of course – to Bella’s house and asks to come in through her window. He CGI-parcour-jumps his way up. Me: “Oh! He’s a WEREMONKEY!”
- Jacob is in Bella’s room and Bella continuously stares at his abs and finally puts her hand against them. Deadra: “2, 4, 6…”
- Edward returns and thanks Jacob for taking care of Bella – who is standing right there, btw.
Edward: “Thanks for keeping her alive.”
Me: “Because she clearly isn’t able to do so by herself.”
- Bella gets on the bike and Ghost!Edward appears first to her left, then to her right, then to her left again. Me: “No wonder she crashes. Couldn’t she have fantasised him straight ahead?”
- The movie ends. Guy behind us: “I honestly have to say: This movie sucked.”
I couldn’t have put it better, Guy behind us, couldn’t have put it better.