Nine is Rob Marshall‘s newest musical movie, starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Penélope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson and Stacy Ferguson.

Plot:
Guido (Daniel Day-Lewis) is a director who’s struggling: He’s about to shoot a film but unfortunately all he knows about it is the title (ITALIA)–the script is nothing more but a vague shape in his head. It doesn’t help that he is haunted by the women in his life, either–starting with his mother (Sophia Loren), to his wife (Marion Cotillard) and his lover (Penélope Cruz) etc.

People, I could not STAND this movie. It was boring, the music was forgettable, the choreographies pretty uninspired and let’s not even talk about Guido… Ugh.

To get this out if the way first: The cast was absolutely amazing (except Stacy Ferguson) (yes, even Kate Hudson). But this was part of the problem I had with the film: Daniel Day-Lewis is just too good an actor and much too serious about this. Guido is an asshole. He is written as an asshole and there’s no other way to describe him. Now, if you’d play that with a wink, with some kind of acknowledgement that yes, he is a complete dickhead but you know, he’s kind of fun to play, I think the movie would have been bearable. As it was, Daniel Day-Lewis sucked every possible fun out of the role (well, have you ever seen him in a funny role?) and what remained was a douchebag that made me want to throw things at the screen.

And with that character as a starting point, it was impossible for me to care even a little bit about his woes with the womenfolk. Here’s a hint: Don’t treat them like crap, you sexist idiot, and maybe you will have less problems.

And bearing that in mind, it was absolutely unbelievable to me that all these gorgeous and/or intelligent women would still give a shit about that narcissistic *runningoutofinsults* ass of a guy.

*takes a deep breath*

Disregarding Guido for a moment (which is pretty hard since he’s the centrepiece of the movie), what is left is music that you’ll forget about 2 seconds after hearing it and choreographies that are totally uninspired. There are some nice ideas (like Penélope Cruz dancing with the ropes or Fergie with the sand) but in the end it all seems old and tired.

Add to that the singing was mostly mediocre (with the exceptions of Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman) and you’ve got one hell of a crappy movie and one bigger hell of a wasted cast.

I’m still wondering how I could stand to watch the whole film. Must be something to do with my admiration for Daniel Day-Lewis, Judi Dench and Marion Cotillard. Because probably nothing else will keep you in your seat for this film.

Summarising, in case that wasn’t obvious, stay away. Far away.