Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writer: Tommy Wirkola
Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare, Pihla Viitala, Thomas Mann, Joanna Kulig, Ingrid Bolsø Berdal

Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have been witch hunters ever since they were imprisoned by a witch, when they were kids, but were able to free themselves by killing her. Hansel and Gretel come to Augsburg, where a lot of children have gone missing, suggesting that a lot of witch activity is going on in the area. But when they start to hunt them down, they stumble upon an even bigger event than they anticipated.

Hansel & Gretel has SO MANY ISSUES. It is one of the most stupid, absurd films I have ever seen. It is at the same time offensive to human beings as a whole, and hilarious as hell.


I’m not exactly sure why I didn’t leave the movie as rage personified. I mean, there is so much wrong with it, it’s hard to know where to start. First, there’s the whole matter of “the plot is amazingly stupid and for something so simple, it’s surprisingly full of holes.”

But even more grievously the entire thing about the evil witches being ugly, while the good witches (and nobody ever thought that good witches could exist, right) are totally pretty. Because being a good person is always connected to the way you look. Don’t even think you can be ugly and good at the same time. Or pretty and evil. In the end, looking different means being evil. Period. Oh, that sound you’re hearing? It’s me banging my head against a wall.


And yet. And yet there are so many things in this film that work despite it all. First of all, there’s the hotness of Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner. And Gretel really does kick ass and she and Hansel save each other equally, which I appreciated. Also, there were very many small anachronistic details of hilarity – guns? Missing children’s pictures on milk bottles? Scrapbooks? All there.

The movie is dumb as hell. But if you turn off your brain (and your social conscience), there’s a lot of fun to be had. Also, Gemma Arterton totally melts my ovaries, so there’s that.


Summarising: Do you find the idea of Hansel having diabetes from eating all the candy at the witch’s house hilarious? Then you’ll probably enjoy the film as a whole.

3 thoughts on “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

  1. OMG, THAT MOVIE. >_< (Spoilers !!) (If there can be.) (Let's say some will try to watch it for the non-existant plot or for the oh so cliché characters).
    I saw it right before Oz, same strings.

    And of course, the oh-she-is-so-beautiful-I'll-juste-have-a-look-on-her-boobies-while-she-is-unconscious-it-won't-hurt-her-guy survives (not the good witch OF COURSE, she has to save her beloved hero, so romantic.) and doesn't even get a slap on the hand for molesting Gretel, non problem. I was all "wah, that character could totaly be a Shia LaBeouf character!!".

    I totaly agree with you on this one. Dumb as hell, no plot, cliché but ok, a little bit fun.

    • Oh yes! I had already put that way to the back of my mind when I wrote the review but the molesting thing had me actually facepalming during the movie. And it had the whole “well, boys will be boys and boys just like to fondle unconscious women” vibe to it… horrible.

  2. Pingback: Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) | Stuff

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