G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Director: Stephen Sommers
Writer: Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett
Based on: the toys
Cast: Channing Tatum, Christopher Eccleston, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung-hun Lee, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Dennis Quaid, Arnold Vosloo, Brendan Fraser
McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is the world’s biggest arms dealer and he has just created a new kind of bomb based on nanotechnology. Duke (Channing Tatum) and his army squad, are supposed to transport it to NATO. But en route, they are attacked by The Baronness (Sienna Miller) who happens to be Duke’s ex. Duke does his best, but ultimately he and the bomb are saved by the Joes, a super secret elite army team. And Duke decides that he wants in with them.
I never watched G.I. Joe because all I heard about it was how freaking bad it was – in fact, so bad that it crosses so bad it’s good territory and is just plain boring. Turns out that that is completely untrue. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a good film. But it is a hell of an entertaining one.
This movie really checks all of the boxes of what a film should avoid if it wants to be any good. A plot that is more holes than story? Check. Flat acting or absolute ham with nothing inbetween? Check. Random product placement? Check. Jokes that never work as well as the general insanity of this film? Check. But that’s exactly why this movie managed to entertain me so much. [If you want more details, I tweeted along a bit and posted the tweets below.]
Maybe I could enjoy it so much because I actually don’t care about the franchise. I never played with the dolls. I never watched any of the shows or the other movies.
But mostly I’m thinking that Stephen Sommers might be some kind of wunderkind of the shitmazing. Maybe I should give Van Helsing another try? Also, Deep Rising sounds absolutely hilarious. Anyway, he absolutely pulls everything off here. There are moments that make you want to do nothing but headdesk, but at the same time you’re delighted by the sheer headdeskiness.
This really is the perfect bad entertainment.
Summarising: If you love craptacular, you gotta see this.
And here are my tweet-alongs (read from bottom to top; click to enlarge):